When I had Baba I had a dream that I would be able to work from home, and be at home with him all the time!
The dream has not worked. I am starting the new website, but I need to be bringing in money now!
I am gutted.
I really don’t want to leave Baba, I don’t want to go back to work in that sense, I want to be working from home. But I have tried all I can and nothing else seems to be working!
I am tired, I am grumpy I am being a bitch to Mr L and I hate it. I hate constantly worrying about money, having to refuse things, and not getting what we want because at the moment we can’t afford it. I hate the fact that I am always the one that isn’t bringing any off it in. I blogged about doubting myself the other day, and the doubts haven’t gone away. I think I have always known that it has got to this point, but didn’t want to believe it.
Mr L is now getting grumpy, he doesn’t think I should continue with some of the things that I am doing, he feels that more money is going into them than I am getting out, he is right, so I am in limbo.
I need to do what is right for us!
But it is tearing me apart! I have been close to tears all day. I know that my family come first, but we need certain things to survive and it is getting to the point where that is all we are doing! So what the hell am I supposed to do?
It is to get a job, one I go out too. But with that I feel that a part of me will go too! I am so upset and so stuck and I just can’t fathom this one out. I really need to sit and think and take some time away for a while as I am just lost and stuck! If anyone has some great ideas then please let me know!
And Then All I Thought About Was You 
Jul 20, 2010 @ 21:55:30
Sweetie, alot of us have to go out to work. This does not mean that we don’t love our kids or that we are not great mums. In fact, doing just that proves how much we love our families. And it’s no bad thing for children to have role models who are prepared to roll their sleeves up and get stuck in. It’s about balance and quality time. Do what you have to do, do it with a smile on your face and make the very most of the time you have with your precious family. You getting upset, worrying, feeling guilty and spending your days close to tears is not good for anyone. If you truly want to work from home then work towards it. Everyone has to make sacrifices to start with. Bring in some funds to start you off then follow your dream xxx
Jul 20, 2010 @ 21:58:51
Thank you xx
Jul 20, 2010 @ 22:08:01
I wish i hAD AN ANSWER, i WROTE A VERY SIMILAT POST LAST WEEK, ABOUT HITTING THE WALL
Jul 20, 2010 @ 22:11:44
That is it hitting a wall, and no where to go. You can’t go back to what you used too, well I can’t anyway, but what to do instead! Just arghh! Going to read yours in a minute now! xx
Jul 20, 2010 @ 22:44:28
I am a single parent and have to work full time. As much as I hate leaving Chick it’s the only way we can survive! The important thing is to not beat yourself up about it and give as much quality time as you can to Baba and Mr.L alongside working. Hugs xx
Jul 20, 2010 @ 22:46:30
Thank you I just need to hole away for a while and see what we can decide! xx
Jul 21, 2010 @ 17:34:00
The important thing is don’t give up on your dreams, if they are meant to be then they will be its just maybe not quite the right time for them now. I completely emphathise with your feeling of “not bringing anything in” as that is how I feel. I didn’t want to go back to work at the end of my maternity leave and I’m pleased to say she is 2 years old now and I am still at home with her. It hasn’t been easy. I did have a job working from home which wasn’t great pay but it helped, sadly the business ran into problems and had to let me go. We have got by doing car boots, ebay and odd jobs here and there that I have managed to do on an adhoc basis.
I am sorry that you are feeling this way as it is not a nice place to be in and I’m sure that your husband feels just as bad that you may have to shelf your dreams for the time being.
I can’t make it better for you but I’m sending you a Cyber-hug which I hope will make you feel less alone xx
Jul 21, 2010 @ 20:25:52
Thank you you are so kind, and that is so nice what you have said. Thanks xx
Jul 22, 2010 @ 08:06:12
As commented on facebook by nicki neat, try childminding………
Personaly i would not do childminding, i did and it was HARD……, you would be more stressed out and alot skinter!!
I put in over £2000 into my business….. and still wasnt breaking even each month, after tax, n.i, petrol, toys, paperwork hours, training, food, toys, safety, advertising, travel and entrance fees etc…
A childminder up the top of holmbush is always finding it very hard to fill her spaces, has been for ages….. unless childminders only charge £3ph maximum, they wont get any business.
And not charge for sickness and holidays, And with doing that, the childminder would be earning less that if she was in a part time job paying a schools nursery part time childcare…… its swing and roundabouts.
All i can say is, mr L should be supporting you and sorting out a new job for himslf if he is so miserable in his own job. you are trying your very best every way you can, plus looking after a toddler 24hrs a day 7 days a week. You need support. As you have the brains and confidence to make things happen, we just all cant get it into our heads, things take time and we have to make do while we get there.
Its take me 7yrs to get what i have now and thats not alot, but i know its enough for us and we are not stretched. we have no loans, no over drafts, no credit cards and we have no savings (as soon as we start, something crops up like the car!!!) and we manage to live well on what we earn, which is not much.
We have simple holidays in the uk, we go on lots of walks, visit family for bbqs and gatherings, grow our own, find the best house hold deals for bills, get things on ebay, etc…
I think people are way too materialistic these days and are willing to get themselfs into a whole heap of debt just to have ‘nice things’, when all they need to do is look at the bigger picture.
When money is tight, you need to cut back, food shop sensibly (good for the figure), and stop trying to catch up with the ‘people in terrible debt’
You are very talented kerry, and u have good friends, and some right under your nose that are there for you, that you need to get to know (me lol) its flippin hard being a mummy, and trying to bring money into the house. Dont beat your self up. It takes time, understanding and support. xxxx
Jul 22, 2010 @ 08:12:36
Thanks there was no chance of doing childminding, I have a very busy childminder at the end of my road and she does only charge £3ph which I could not compete with.
Mr L does support me he has supported me for over two years with what I have been doing, but we always said we would give it two years and he know thinks that I am paying in more than I am getting out and he is right. He hasn’t told me to do anything just given me his opinion and then he will support whatever I decide. xx